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1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. more...
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.
He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.
A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"
So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.
The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"
Reluctantly, the helicopter left.
The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.
At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord more...
How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Senator.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
"Your honor."
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A shortage of more...
A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.
When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said "Thank you, but my God will save me." Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.
A second boat came by and the worker called out "Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!" Once again she thanked him profusely and said "My God will save me."
The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by. "Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die." She just smiled "My God will save me" she said quietly. Frustrated the worker moved more...