Saying Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine. ”
The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for? ”
Finally, the guy says “All right” and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.
Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah! ” The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.
The vet says, “Holy gee, ” and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he’s pulling out all her feathers. He’s more...
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no way of crossing the river.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God,give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman and he walked across the bridge.
How to Answer
It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,
'DO I LOOK FAT?'
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted' yes'.
'No' means yes.' Yes' means yes.' I don't know' means yes.' It doesn't matter' means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.
Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but more...
Riley, Michael and Tyler were on a bus home from school. All of a sudden a fire-truck zoomed past them. They all saw the dalmation in the front of the truck sitting beside the driver. Michael said "Hey, don't they use those dogs to clear out the crowd at a scene of a fire?" Riley rudely interrupted saying "No stupid, the firemen use the dogs for good luck charms." Fed up with his friends, Tyler interjected saying, "How come you guy's are so dumb? The fireman who drives the truck uses the dalmation to spot out the fire hydrant closest to the fire!!!"
there once was a blonde who came to work boiling her eyes out, so her boss asked whats the matter, the blonde replied I just got a call saying that my mother has passed away, I am so sorry her boss replied, do you want the day off? no replied the blonde i think i need to take my mind off it and I think that here is the best place to do it, okay but if their is anything I can do to help pease tell me, ok said the blonde, a hour passed and the boss decided to go and check on the blonde, he walked into her office and she was crying, concerned the boss asked are you ok? no answered the blonde I just got a phone-call saying that my sisters mum died aswell.
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles. 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10! 12. Play with the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so more...
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?"' The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?"'