Saying Jokes / Recent Jokes

50 things to do at Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic more...

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a more...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself 'I'll go on better than that English bastard' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and more...

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this more...

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer.
As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in more...

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

You have a nickname like Pinto, Bunty, Bunny, Dolly, or Penny. Your last name is longer than ten letters, i. e. Chandraprakash or Subramanian. You get high off butter chicken and/or mango frooti. Your gang's name is the Fob Squad or Fobby By Nature. Your gang's uniform is a Michael Jackson T-shirt with Rambo pants. Your top pick-up line is "Just have your mummy call my mummy baby, it isbeing all good." You use a whole bottle of hair gel whenever you leave the house. At clubs, you're overheard saying, "So what if my mummy picks out myclothes, you know this gear is fly baby!" (for guys) You wear tight-ass jeans. (for girls) You have to jack up your pants to get them tight. (for girls) You have a mustache. (for guys and girls) You are a pencil-bearded Malu. Your the captain and sole member of your school's cricket team. You play the sitar and/or tabla three hours everyday. You go to Rutgers University or the University of Maryland at CollegePark. You wear a turban, more...