Saying Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some thing.Scully: Mulder, over here-it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.Scully: But that's legend, Mulder-a more...
There are three men going to buy toilets,
one buys a steal toilet, and comes back after a week saying its too cold.
the second one buys a cotton toilet, comes back after two weeks saying its too soft!
the third one buys a musical toilet, cames back after a month saying "
EVERY TIME I SIT ON IT, IT SINGS THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, SO I HAVE TO STNDUP!"
What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this: Me: HelloAT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T: This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: more...
After learning that Kim Jong-il had ordered and completed a test of North Korea’s nuclear weapons, Assistant Secretary of State, Christopher Hill was quoted as saying, “He’s really going to rue the day he made this decision.” After that, Hill was also quoted as saying, “Rats! Foiled again!” and “Jinkies!”
It’s possible that our friends in the State Department watch a bit too much Rocky and Bullwinkle.
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers
he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and
a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even more...
A man has a very horny parrot and is having a terrible time with it. Each time he reaches into the cage, the parrot humps his arm. When he invites his mother over for coffee, the parrot keeps saying foul things. Finally, he takes the parrot to the vet.
After examining the parrot extensively, the vet says, "You have a very horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The man's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"
Finally, the man says okay and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, and closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet exclaims, "Oh, my gosh," runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage and is pulling out all her feathers. more...