Scratched Jokes / Recent Jokes

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I more...

A fellow from the city was driving through the country one day when he came
upon a quaint farmhouse alongside of the road - and there was even a farmer
standing out front. So the city boy decided to stop and talk to the farmer.
"Good morning, sir," he said, "I was driving by, admiring the country, 'cause
I'm a city boy, and I couldn't help but notice that you have a field full of
cows on your farm. Now I've lived in the city all my life and I've never
tried any fresh country milk. If it's all right with you, I'd like to try
some fresh country milk from your cows."
The farmer replied, "Son, those are bulls! You don't get milk from bulls!!"
And the city boy said, "But I won't hurt your cows. All I want to do is to
try some fresh country milk."
The farmer had to try again, "Son, those are BULLS! You don't get milk from
BULLS!!!"
But the city boy persisted, "Really, I won't hurt your more...

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

It is said that a guy wrote the following letter to his sister. He is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....

April, 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the more...