Seal Jokes / Recent Jokes

Phil is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one at an excellent price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
A week later, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his motorcycle over to her house and finds her waiting outside for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," she says. "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Phil sits down for dinner and it's exactly as she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and no one is saying a word. So, Phil decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously furious, and her mother horrified when he sits back down, but more...

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck!
Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal.
Q: What is the definition of mass confusion?
A: Father's day in Harlem!
Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took!
A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.
He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, "Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in."
The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, "The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'YELLOW'!"
This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates.
An American walking through the more...

Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck!
Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire? A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal.
Q: What is the definition of mass confusion? A: Father's day in Harlem!
Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took!
A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, "Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in."The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, "The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'YELLOW'!"
This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates.
An American walking through the streets of London, more...

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

According to the Associated Press, Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting their second child together.
When asked how it feels, an overwhelmed and emotional Heidi Klum said that she "almost cannot grasp hold of it". Asked to elaborate on her feelings of unbelievable joy, the tearful Klum responded, "I meant I still can't believe I'm actually having sex with Seal".

Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom? That's because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you're being screwed.

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.
Case in point: My grandson's pre-K class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.
"So," asked one little girl, "can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"