Season Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the winter of 1970-71 I worked as a janitor at a county courthouse in Upstate New York (it was Binghamton for those who care for the specifics). One of my tasks was to run the elevator - an old manual one with a lever to make it go up and down and not many safety features so you could stop it between floors for the fun of it.
Here is the sign I placed in that elevator during the holiday season:
"We wish you felicitations concomitant with your observance of the season and many propitious initions during the forthcoming twelvemonth."

Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove

Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove

Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove

Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning

Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove

Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work

Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove

Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm

Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season

Enter - Come on in

Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

Screen - What is a must during black fly season

Chip - What you munch during a football games

Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

Modem - What you did to your fields last July

Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's more...

Two hunters were forced by a storm to seek overnight shelter in a house occupied by only a homely farmer's widow. The storm passed and so did the hunting season. The following year when hunting season rolled around and the two met again, one asked, "Tell me, did you screw that old bag we stayed with last year?"
"Yeah," admitted the other, "I'm afraid I did. Didn't look at her much, though."
"And you used my name, didn't you?"
"Yeah, I was so amashed I told her I was you," laughed the first hunter, "I didn't knock her up, did I?"
"No, no," smiled the friend. "She died last month and left me the house and fifty-thousand dollars."

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1300. 01 GENERAL
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted more...

Principal:-Anyone Caught Going To The Girls Hostel Wiil Be Fined Rs. 400 For The First Time, Rs. 900 For The Second Time & Rs. 2000 For The Third Time. Any Questions.
A Student:-How Much For A Season Pass, Sir!

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are more...

In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…

A. Jump out of bed shouting “Santa’s here! ”
B. Jump out of bed shouting “What the %&!@ was that?! ”
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: “On…”
A. “a gada da vida. ”
B. “top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…”
C. “Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen! ”
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn’t it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, stupid!
4: If a fat man in a more...