Season Jokes / Recent Jokes

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk! ” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living? ” The truck driver says, “I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling. ” The bartender says, “Okay, truck drivers are not nerds. ” and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, “Why did you do that? ” The bartender said, “Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license. ” The truck driver more...

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:
1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp - forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets - 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 more...

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one more...

Bonus season at Goldman Sachs. For its employees theinvestment bank set aside $17 billion. Or about 531 Conans.

As part of President Obama's new banking regulation changes, what was once referred to as the bonus season will now be changed to the "Bone-us" season.

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up more...

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his more...