Season Jokes / Recent Jokes

Pennsylvania Road System Slogans
1. If you can build a better highway, we`d like to see it!
2. Potholes.... Shmotpoles!
3. Highway numbers go to the highest bidder!
4. Land of 10, 000 potholes.
5. We don`t repair roads, we destroy them!
Bumpy roads, tale me home, to the place I belong,
Pennsylvania, land of potholes, take me home.
I hear the car as it rattles down the highway,
Each bump tearing at its springs and shocks.
And each thump and groan reminds me,
The garage bill is coming soon some day.
You know you`re from Pennsylvania if...
You only own three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled more...

The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope".
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."

I put this message on my machine during the baseball season. In the
background is the sound effect of a cheering crowd at a baseball game.
''We're back at Wrigley Field for this, the final game of the 1990 baseball
season. The Cubs and Mets are tied for first, whoever wins this game takes
home the National League Eastern Division championship. We're in the 9th
inning, Cubs trailing 2-1, but they have Dunston on third with two
outs. Coming up to bat now, here is BOB! (crowd cheers in background) This
has been a solid season for Bob, 26 home runs, 87 runs batted in. A base hit
now will tie it for the Cubs, while a home run will give them the
championship..
"Bob digs in against Dwight Gooden. Gooden has been masterful today, striking
out 16, while only allowing 3 base hits. Here comes the pitch... AND
THERE'S A LONG DRIVE DEEP TO RIGHT! THAT COULD BE OUT OF HERE! DARRYL
STRAWBERRY RACES OVER AND MAKES A LEAPING CATCH AT THE WALL more...

People say, "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy New Year!" before giving you the finger.
Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive holly.
People pray even when they're not in the back seat of a cab.
If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls.
Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit on their lap.
Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for $100.
Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
Police investigate the season's first sleigh-jacking.
Strangers greet each other with "I got your Yule log right here."
Two words: Crack nog.

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 more...

Don't ya just love the holidays, when everyone is just so full of the spirit of the season and joy and good will towards men? As a plain old country boy now living in the big city, I wanted to share the warmth and joy I felt with all these nice city folk.
The other day I went to the local religious book store, to locate something to share with others, and while I couldn't find any with a Christmas theme, I saw a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car; tell y'all what, I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the upcoming Holidays and all, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I easily found several people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because, he leaned out his window and even yelled, "Jesus more...

Do you know why hunting season begins in November?

Because that's when the election begins, and all the turkeys come out.