Season Jokes / Recent Jokes
You know you`re from northern Vermont when:
You`ve taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.
You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages more...
Joe and Obie went hunting every year on opening day of duck season. This year, they decided to borrow a neighbor's retriever, a dog named Buck, so they wouldn't have to wade out after any birds that fell into the lake when they shot them.
They had good luck that day and bagged several plump ducks. Whenever a duck fell into the water, either Joe or Obie would send Buck out after it. And each time the dog went after a downed duck, he would pause momentarily at the water's edge. Then Buck would trot calmly across the surface of the lake to retrieve the bird.
This unusual performance always caused Joe and Obie to glance wide-eyed at each other and shake their heads in wonder.
At the end of the day, Joe and Obie drove back by way of the neighbor's home to return Buck and thank the retriever's owner for the loan.
"Did the dog do a good job?" asked its owner.
"Yes," said Joe, "he brought in all the ducks that more...
Season's Greetings,
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received more...
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first." Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996) Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Clemson recruit Ray more...
People say, "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy New Year!" before giving you the finger. Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive holly. People pray even when they're not in the back seat of a cab. If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls. Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit on their lap. Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for $100. Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas. Police investigate the season's first sleigh-jacking. Strangers greet each other with "I got your Yule log right here." Two words: Crack nog.
What do Mexicans pick in the off season? Their nose.
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair more...