Season Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season, ” Saint Peter said, “you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven. ”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle, ” he
said. “You may pass through the pearly gates, ” Saint Peter
said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells. ” Saint
Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates. ”
The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
“And just what do those symbolize? ”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s. ”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Merry Christmas to more...

The Holiday Season
(To the tune of "Deck The Halls")
' Tis the season to be greedy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Treat ourselves, forget the needy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Charging gifts with wild abandon!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Credit limits not withstandin'!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Sing we now the spendthrift's carol!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Buying presents by the barrel!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Throwing parties, being merry!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
' Till bills come in January!
Fa la la la la, La La La La!!!

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." r The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, more...

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I dont get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. Theyre all safe."

How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays. Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to
the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine. Democrats ask for egg nog.

When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late more...

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where aguy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
''Why did you do that?''
''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.'' The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the more...