Season Jokes / Recent Jokes

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add wood.
Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!)
Floppy Disk: Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood.
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen: What you need for black fly season.
Byte: What black flies do.
Chip: Whatcha get when you chop wood.
Micro Chip: What's left when you've picked up the chips.
Infrared: Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.
Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: John Matrix's wife.
Printer: Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic more...

Christmas Survival Quiz
In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…

A. Jump out of bed shouting “Santa’s here! ”
B. Jump out of bed shouting “What the %&!@ was that?! ”
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: “On…”
A. “a gada da vida. ”
B. “top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…”
C. “Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen! ”
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn’t it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, more...

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."
He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.
"You don't even need a license," more...

Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare: Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.

Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.

Pretend you are looking for your car.

Sporadically drop things.

Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger.

Be more...

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.
It's 'getting late' when it's 11:00 p.m.
Three words: School Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;
NOW: IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Your girlfriend more...

Amy was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game.
Amy said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"
"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in more...