Season Jokes / Recent Jokes
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney more...
With the Holiday Season upon us it is important to understand how much our
parties are appreciated. Please use the listing below as reference.
Gauging the level of your Christmas Party
Festivity Level 1
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree
ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and
nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to
nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be
Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get
no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas
tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see more...
The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the' 99 season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on in week 5. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 6, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the more...
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the season's greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control].
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should more...
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus. ”
“Forget the bonus, ” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day? ”
I've tried all season to put my thumb on it, but perhaps the problem is bigger than my thumb.