Seconds Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man settles into his seat on the plane, when another man sits down and puts his black Labrador Retriever in the seat next to him. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
Once the plane has taken off and levels out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and turns to the man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty more...

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.' Oh God!' she screams.' Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'' Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!' On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.'What seems to be the problem?' he asks.' I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman.' Get it out!'' I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.' The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.' Just an inch or two should do it,' he says. After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says' Hmmm, more...

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you''ve learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn''t exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, and then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance." I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter' T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in' Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with' T'?" The Polak said, "Two!""Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!""Hmm... OK," said the coach." How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!""Twelve? How did you come up more...

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.

The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search."

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on more...

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must an swer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?" The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

A White man is walking on a beach. He finds a magic lamp and rubs it. A genie pops out, "Look I've been in there for 300 years, I don't want to hear a damn thing right now, just think it and it'll happen." 2 seconds pass in silence *poof* They're both sitting in a mansion, 5 seconds of silence passes *poof* naked women all over the mansion 10 seconds pass and *poof* nothing happens but the genie disappears. 10 minutes later there is a knock at the door. It's mob of KKK and they grab the man and lynch him. Meanwhile the genie is speaking to God and tell's him, "They still want the same thing, Big Mansions and Naked Women - But this last wish I got was a little odd, He wanted to be hung like a black man."