Seconds Jokes / Recent Jokes

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter' T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, more...

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few seconds later. The diver went below 25 ft, but seconds later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING!!!!!!"

Study Finds Female Beauty Is Male Drug
Brain scans show a man's reaction to seeing beautiful women is similar
to an addict's when he get his fix.
The study seems to be proof feminine beauty affects the male brain at
its most basic level.
Pictures of attractive women activated the same reward circuits in the
brains of heterosexual men as food and cocaine.
The study may help prove we are born knowing what is beautiful and what
is not.
Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a
co-author
of the study, said: "This is hard-core circuitry. Beauty is working
similar to a drug."
In a second, related study, men were shown random pictures of women for
several seconds, but could extend or cut the viewing time by pressing
keys on a keypad.
Attractive women were viewed an average of 8. 7 seconds while others
were
viewed for 5. 2 seconds.
The men worked frantically to keep more...

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was more...

Patient: Doctor, Doctor Doctor: What? Patient: Is It My Turn Yet Doctor: No, U Aren't Patient Patient: I Am A Patient I Have Been Waiting For 5 Seconds

ADVICE FROM THE ANCIENTS.....

Bill Clinton went jogging one morning last week to clear his head and think about his troubles. He came upon the Washington monument and paused. Looking up he said,' George, what should I do?'

After a few seconds George replied,' Abolish the IRS and start over.'

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said' Tom, what should I do?'

After a few seconds Tom replied,' Abolish welfare and start over.'

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said,' Abe, what should I do?'

After a few seconds Abe replied' Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?'