Seconds Jokes / Recent Jokes

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A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.
'Oh God!' she screams.' Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!'
'Let's go says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!'
On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.
' What seems to be the problem?' he asks.
'I've got a frigging bee up my vagina' screams the woman.' Get it out!'
'I see,' says the doctor.'Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.'
The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.
'Just an inch or two should do it,' he says.
After a few seconds he more...

Santa Singh Died And Went To Heaven. When He Got To The Pearly Gate Saint Peter Told Him That New Rules Were In Effect Due To The Advances In Education On Earth. In Order To Gain Admittance A Prospective Heavenly Soul Must Answer Two Questions: 1. Name Two Days Of The Week That Begin With “T”. 2. How Many Seconds Are There In A Year? Santa Thought For A Few Minutes And Answered…1. The Two Days Of The Week That Begin With “T” Are Today And Tomorrow. 2. There Are 12 Seconds In A Year. Saint Peter Said, “Ok, I’ll Buy The Today And Tomorrow, Even Though It’s Not The Answer I Expected, So Your Answer Is Correct. But How Did You Get Only 12 Seconds In A Year? ”Santa Replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, Etc…. ”Saint Peter Lets Him In Without Another Word”

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."

Chuck Norris has more Myspace friends than Tom.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all more...

The huge college freshman figured he'd try
out for the football team. "Can you tackle?"
asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded
to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering
it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He
was off like a shot, and, in just over nine
seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass
a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a
few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can
swallow it, I can probably pass it."

1. American men and women spend 15% of their days running in slow motion along the beach.2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any
importance.5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious more...

ABC Stock reaches $155. $155 for a stock that should be valued at $100. Wow!!!!
That's it I say to myself. It's time I make that decision that all longs consider at one time or another. I am going to short my first stock. I am thinking to myself "This stock is overvalued. It can't sustain these levels. This is money in the bank. Guaranteed baby!!"
I phone my broker.
"How can I help you Mr. Junkie."
"I want to place a trade. I want to short 1000 share of ABC." After a few seconds he says,
"I am sorry Mr. Junkie. I can't process that for you. Your account is a cash account. You need a margin account to short a stock. I can send you the application or you could go to your nearest financial institution to fill out the forms."
I head out the door the minute I get off the phone because time was a wasting and as they say time is money. I run into the financial institution fill out the form and have a taxi deliver it more...