Seconds Jokes / Recent Jokes

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's more...

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady...just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 more...

"I resent that remark." said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. "I'll give you 5 seconds to take that back."
"Oh yeah?" snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. "Suppose I don't take it back in five seconds?"
"Well..." stammered the blonde, "how much time do you need?"

Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. We must find this woman and stop her.

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.
Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.
The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals.
The Good Fairy said, "you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing."
The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said, "this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!"

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals.The Good Fairy said, "you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing."The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said, "this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!"

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue. Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do. The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals. The Good Fairy said, "you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing." The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said, "this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!"