Secret Jokes / Recent Jokes

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's ear.
President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high five's" everyone near him.
The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind
7. Mom will love this
6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!
2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!
And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:
1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me? 3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace! 2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!! And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.
Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said,
“Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch. ”

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. - Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. - more...

As part of his plan to let the Yanks know that he is not only still alive but ready to kick ass, Saddam sent a letter to George W Bush. The letter was immediately recognised as from the former dictator of Iraq and was detoxified and checked for explosives before being opened. In it was a single sheet of paper with the characters:-
370HSSV 0773H
The president couldn't work out what this meant, so he had an aide type a copy and sent it to that very smart man, Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary of Defence and his aides studied it for a week, using the most powerful code cracking computers the NSA could come up with, and were still stumped .They sent it to Langley, where the CIA similarly had no luck. The FBI did no better. In desperation they even tried the British - no joy there - and MIT. Nobody could make any sense of the message.
Eventually, they called in the Mossad, Israel's secret service. They looked at it for a few seconds and e-mailed back to Washington, "Tell the more...