"Married Life" joke

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. - Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck