Youngman Jokes

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner When women are depressed, they either eat or go more...

Mr. Youngman was brought to the lounge of the nursing home to await his son. Since he was especially frail, the nurse was never far from his side.
As it happened, at least once every minute the ninety-year-old would tilt slightly to one side; as soon as he did so, the nurse' hurried over and straightened him right up.
Finally Mr. Youngman's son Bob arrived.
"Well, pop," he said, "how're they treating you here?"
He replied, "The food's fine and the accomo-dations are even better-but there is one thing."
"What's that?"
Cocking his eyes over his shoulder, he said, "It's that sonofabitchin' nurse over there. He won't let me fart!"

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.
- Henry Youngman

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. - Bill Cosby
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. - more...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says.' 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,'' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a more...