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An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. more...
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...10. Hey! It`s my turn to sit in the front pew.9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.7. I`ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let`s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.4. I love it when we sing hymns I`ve never heard before!3. Since we`re all here, let`s start the service early.2. Pastor, we`d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Any time you feel dumb, don`t worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn`t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived more...
Two sisters, one a brunette and the other a blonde, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a couple of years, they find themselves in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull which will enable them to breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $500 to a ranch out west where a man has a prize bull for sale. As she’s leaving for the other ranch, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. ”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, checks the bull out, and decides that she does want to buy it. The man tells her that she can buy it for $499, no less. She pays him and then drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She enters the telegraph office, and says, “I’d like to send my sister a telegram telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our more...