Shed Jokes / Recent Jokes

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill more...

In a far away middle eastern country, a brigade of American soldiers were stationed at a camp, outside of town. A new brigade commander comes over to take up command after the earlier one retires.

He asks the sargeant to take him around the camp, so he can familiarise himself. They go all around the camp and comes to closed shed. The commander inquires what's inside. The sergeant says there is a camel inside.

When the commander asks why the sergeant hesitates a bit and goes in to an explanation with a embarrassed face, "Well sir our men are far away from their wives and girlfriends, so when they don't do it for a long time it can get very frustrating, so we use the camel to.."

The commander bursts out furiously "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard, I command you to halt this immediately. We are a fighting unit, not a bunch of wild animals!" he yells and walks away steaming. Time goes by and the commander starts feeling more...

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed, stealing things. I phoned the police but was told nobody was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.
A minute later, I phoned again. "Hello" I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I shot them."
Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, "I thought you said you shot them." To which I replied, "I thought you said there was no one available."

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat`s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat`s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...

2000 Federal Census for North Carolina Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher Spouse`s Name: _________________________ 2nd Spouse`s Name: _____________________ 3rd Spouse`s Name: _____________________ Lover`s Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother`s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, more...

little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I`m not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"`Cause I`m starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don`t believe you," he said. "You`ll have to show me."

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"You`re right," he said. "I`ve been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I`m getting feathers too."

"Well, I`d better have a look," she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it`s too late for you. You`ve got the neck and giblets too."

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one more...