Sheets Jokes / Recent Jokes

ANNOUNCING THE LATEST IN TECHNOLOGY:
BUILT-IN ORDERLY ORGANIZED KNOWLEDGE (BOOK)

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected to or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere (even sitting in an armchair by the fire) yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit process called binding, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Experts are divided concerning the prospects for further increases in information density; for more...

A very proper man is staying at the hospital as he has been taken quite ill. In the middle of the night he wakes up to find he has soiled his bed. Too embarassed to call the nurse to clean his sheets, he gather them up and tosses them out the window.
The sheets fall onto a drunkard who is wandering around on the sidewalk. He begins thrashing about, swinging and cursing loudly. A security guard hears the noise and runs over to the pale, and panting drunkard.
The guard says "What happened? You look as though you've seen a ghost!"
The drunkard replies "I did! And I think I beat the sh*t out of it too!"

To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you more...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK more...

The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are:1. Passionate Lady2. Bare Belly3. Silk Panties4. Conscience5. Jockey Shorts6. Clean Sheets7. Thighs8. Big Johnson9. Heavy Bosum10. Merry CherryAt the Post:They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.Heavy Bosum is being pressured.Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.Big Johnson is making a final drive.Passionate Lady is coming.At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.Heavy Bosum weakens and more...

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
“What’s going on here? ”
“I don’t know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost. ”