Sheets Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

You`re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

You`ve worn your sheets to school because you can`t get them off of you.

Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

The DEA`s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.

Your red T-shirt is now green.

The boss pulls you aside to remind you that more...

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a more...

TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I havesucceeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. Thefollowingis a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot15 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 timesyou just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake more...

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
6 times you just layed there
8 times you reminded me there's a more...

A very modest man was in hospital undergoing a series of tests, the last of which left his bodily functions extremely upset. After making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so remained where he was. However, he suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was so embarrassed he was unable to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered the sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital at that precise moment and the sheets landed on him. The drunk began yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the sheets which finally ended up in a tangled pile at his feet.
As he stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, approached him and asked, "What's going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down at the pile at his feet, replied, "I'm not more...

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the more...