Ship Jokes / Recent Jokes
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness. A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tatoos on a Bo'su n. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? " The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.
The The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
The number Mhz required for the OS to run.
And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for... (Drum roll please...)
The year it was *DUE* to ship.
The dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered off the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss.
They claimed that a cow, falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield.
They forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily departed for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30, 000 feet.
The ship's captain returned from a two-year voyage to find his wife nursing a month-old baby. "Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it my friend Mike Fitzpatrick?"
"No," his wife said softly.
"Well then, was it my friend Bob Bigelow?"
His wife shook her head.
"Bill Connery," he demanded, "could it have been my friend Bill Connery?"
"Your friends, your friends," his wife said impatiently, "all the time, your friends. Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"