Ship Jokes / Recent Jokes

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, more...

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, more...

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the
male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father 5 years
ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale
says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow
holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about
killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan
works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale
notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by
either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily,
the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just
then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!", she says, "I agreed
to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning, but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive this far, but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing and conscious again.

She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in more...

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?"Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500.""That's right! You may enter."St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

There was a man sittin in a bar with a small head and a man opposite him. The 2nd man crossed to the first and said " i cant help but notice how out of proportion your head is to your body how did it happen?"
The man with the small head said" buy me a beer and al tell u the story"
He bought the beer and the story begun.
" well a was oan ma ship wi the crew n the ship began to sink. I swam for a while till a saw a mermaid oan a rock. she swam to me and told me she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes."
"So my first wish was that i wood b rescued and soon a ship was sailing my way. then my second was that i wood have a big muscly body and i got one. then for my 3rd wish i thought for a while and came up that i wanted to have sex with the mermaid but she explained that since she was part fish it wouldnt work so again a thought for a while then i decided that she could give me head down below so i announced to her my more...