Shit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A long time ago in a country far, far away...
Noah built his ark according to the instructions received, loaded it up with every animal under the sun, in pairs, and set off.
And it rained.
And it rained some more.
etc
etc
So, having sailed about for a couple of weeks, Noah has a problem. All these animals eat. And when they eat they prodeuce:
SHIT
Lots of shit.
More shit in one area than has ever been seen.
And every kind of shit.
Noah is in a quandry. So he gets all his sons together and tells them to collect all the shit they can and get it up on deck. Noah digs in too and they set about offloading a half a zillion tonnes of turd overboard.
And that would be the very unamusing end to our story if it were not for the actions of a chap we shall call Chris.
Who set sail, and in the year 1492 discovered it.

Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.

It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidently gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?"
The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear."
Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father.
The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a more...

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?, "Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell happened?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!

A man walks into a bar with a pile of shit in his hand and say to the bar tender “Hey Harry-Look what I almost stepped in! ”

Two drunk, Santa and Banta, were walking along a dirt road one day when they came upon a pile of some brown stuff on the ground.
"Is that shit, Banta?" Santa said.
"I don`t really know." Responded Banta as he bent over, "it smells like shit."
Santa leaned in and dipped his finger into the mysterious pile. "It feels like shit!"
Banta too dipped his finger into the mysterious pile and without hesitation shoved the finger in his mouth. "Sure tastes like shit, buddy! I think it`s definitely shit."
"Hooooeee!" Responded Santa, "Good thing we didn’t step in it!"