Shit Jokes / Recent Jokes
Santa and Banta are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Banta smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around.
He says, "Hey, you shit your pants?"
Santa says, "No."
He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Banta stops his horse and turns around.
He then says, "Are you sure you did not shit your pants?"
Santa, "Yes, I am sure."
They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Santa is swatting the flys away. Banta stops his horse and gets off his horse. He then says, "Get of your horse. Pull down your pants. I thought you said you did not shit your pants?"
Santa replies, "I thought you meant today!"
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"
The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself."
The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and more...
There was an foreign man who knew a little english and lived in a hotel. One day he told the waitress "I wanta fuck" the waitress said "what!!!" I wanta fuck, I wanta fuck on the table." The waitress answered and said "you better not you son of a bitch" so the waitress left mad and never gave him a fork. The next day he went to the manager and said "I wanta shit" the manager said "what!!!" "I wanta shit, I wanta shit on my bed" the manager answered "you better not you son of a bitch" and he never got the sheet he wanted.
Theres a rabit running through the jungle and he comes up to a giraffe smoking a spliff and says you dont wanna do that you wanna come out running with me get healthy after some hesitation the giraffe aggrees so there both running along and they come up to a snake doing lines of coke and the rabbit says you dont wanna do that shit you wanna come running get healthy so he says ye might as well so there all running allong and they come up to a lion doing smack and he turns to the lion and says you dont wanna be doing that shit you wanna come out running with all of us get healthy with this statement just put to him the lion just turns and beets up the rabbit the giraffe and snake are amazed that he just did it and they say to him why did you do that he says ive had enough of that cunt every time hes on pills he wants to go fucking running
One time I was on an airplane and and the pilot said were ready for takeoff and said we would be flying at 30, 000 feet tonight. I guess he forgot to turn off the microphone cause then I heard him say to his copilot "why dont you take over, im gonna take a nice healthy shit and fuck the brains out of the sexy blond flight attendant." All the sudden this blond started running down the isle but an elderly lady stopped him. She said "relax hunny, he has to shit first."