Shopping Jokes / Recent Jokes

I can't afford Christmas shopping this year, so I'm giving my mother a set of 8 coasters. Made out of old CDs sitting on my bookshelf!

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked
something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never
have to do it again."

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.My husband obligingly hailed a cab."The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.The cabby looked over his shoulder at us."And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET more...

A Walmart store announcement ordering black people to leave brought chagrin and apologies Wednesday from leaders of the company. Good thing the announcer didn't order all white trash to leave or there would have been no customers left in the store.

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required...so get out of the car!
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.
She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.