Shrugged Jokes

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small more...

I'm a 3rd generation Cantonese-American and have pretty much forgotten the language. Hey, I wasn't even raised with it spoken in my household, but I live in a predominantly Asian neighborhood anyway. Well, Mormons, whom we all know and love(*cough*), have to save their money during childhood so that they may go on missionary expeditions when they hit seventeen years of age or so. Some even become Urban Mormons, where they trek to distant(?) parts of Suburbia, seeking converts. So, one day, there was a knock at my door. So upon answering, Lo! And Behold! Who should be standing there, but two young, aspiring Jehovah's Witn-... I mean, Mormon Missionaries. Both were Caucasian, and one was holding a copy of Halston's Mandarin/English Dictionary. The Mormon holding the dictionary greeted me in a foreign language, presumably Mandarin, which I didn't understand. However, I chose to say nothing; I merely furrowed my brow and intensified my gaze. Astute, as they were, the missionaries were more...