Shut Jokes / Recent Jokes
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food.
She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.
As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I more...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on
Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought more...
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window. Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names."Shut Up", replied Shut Up."Stupid", replied Stupid. The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief. Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names."Shut Up!""Stupid!"The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"!!! Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a dayEvery time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new carOccasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive onOccasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engineOnly one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But then you more...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1, 000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a dayEvery time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new carOccasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive onOccasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engineOnly one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But then more...
' Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender
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Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks more...
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse more...