Silent Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts. .. although still silent. .. stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to more...

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him, he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to the colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is retty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to more...

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
Age 5:
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7:
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9:
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12:
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14:
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15:
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24:
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26:
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29:
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about more...

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5: 00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, ” Please wake me at 5: 00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9: 00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5: 00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage, now we'll have to work on your hearing."

Bette Midler told this joke on Letterman one recent Friday night...
An old guy goes to the doctor complaining that he has "silent gas emissions". He goes on to explain that while playing bridge that morning he had 6 silent gas emissions. At lunch he had four, and while he was sitting there talking to the doctor he had another four.
"Can you help me, Doc?", he pleads.
The doctor replies, "Yes, and the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."