Silent Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him up at 5: 00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5: 00 AM. " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9: 00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5: 00 AM, Wake up."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose. ” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra. ”

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother. ”

The owner of a peanut company sat silent in front of a congressional investigation today while questions were asked regarding tainted products. At first it was believed he was pleading the 5th amendment, then it was realized that his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

10 Things To Do In An Elevator To Have Fun
1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud.
2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected.
7. Leave a box between the doors.
8. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask' is that your beeper?'
10. Say' I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help." Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor." Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" more...

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.