Silent Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bette Midler told this joke on Letterman one recent Friday night...
An old guy goes to the doctor complaining that he has "silent gas emissions". He goes on to explain that while playing bridge that morning he had 6 silent gas emissions. At lunch he had four, and while he was sitting there talking to the doctor he had another four.
"Can you help me, Doc?", he pleads.
The doctor replies, "Yes, and the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. more...

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol more...

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandably silent. He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man." You got a problem, buddy?" No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"

One Sunday a minister announced that he had laryngitis and wouldn't be able to preach that day, but what he would do instead was say a few words and the congregation would then sing the first hymn that came to mind.
"Jesus," the minister whispered.
Within moments the congregation started singing, "Jesus Loves Me."
"God," whispered the minister.
The congregation started to sing, "How Great Thou Art."
"Roses," the minister whispered.
This prompted the congregation to start singing, "In The Garden."
This one-word, one-hymn game continued for a few more minutes until the minister whispered, "Sex."
The congregation fell deathly silent. Many of the parishioners began looking around to see the reaction of others to the minister's last word. Everyone remained silent, until one brave soul, an elderly woman sitting in the back, cleared her throat and began to sing as loud as she could... more...

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them more...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really dosen't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I' ve farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't
smell and are silent.
The doctor says," I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, I don't know what medicine you gave me, but my farts... although sill silent..... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."