Simon Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?"
"Huge hands, sir."

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn more...

The science section of Tuesday's The New York Times (Jan 6, 1998) includes a profile of Biologist Dr. Anne Simon (U Mass, Amherst). The piece (by Carey Goldberg) is entitled "The Science Adviser to Whaaat?"
It seems that Dr. Simon has, for some time, been a friend of one Chris Carter. Carter is the creator of the X-FILES TV show on the Fox network (U.S.). For the uninitiated, Goldberg describes X-FILES as a "dark confection of conspiracy, fantasy and paranormalcy." On the show two FBI agents come across aliens (from outer space), witches, vampires and high government conspiracies. But the crazy thing is often well written and filled with dry humor (EG. in one episode about a southern town whose economy was based upon a chicken processing plant and whose culture was steeped in cannibalism, the local company's motto was: GOOD PEOPLE MAKE GOOD FOOD).
When Carter started to write scripts for the show he called on Dr. Simon for scientific expertise. Simon says more...

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
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Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
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Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher

There was once this guy who was on a quest to cross the Sahara desert solo, we will call him Simon, for that is a good name for a camel rider. Well he started out and things were going along just fine for weeks, however gradually he noticed a change in his camel, slowly but surely it seemed to be traveling slower and slower.
It had been a while since he had drunk water but camels were supposed to be able to survive for long periods without water he thought to himself. Well eventually the poor ol' camel just stopped altogether.
"Great!" thought Simon, "now I'm really in trouble". After some time trying to pull the camel, push the camel and do anything he could to get the camel moving, he was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going anywhere fast.
Suddenly, almost out of nowhere this guy comes driving up to him in a small truck with a sign on the side "Camel Starters R US". Well Simon couldn't believe his luck. "This is unbelievable!" more...

The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. "No mis" he replied

Home - A - Age Jokes "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher. "How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?" "Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. "How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new." Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. "How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred. "I'm not going to tell you that," she replied. "But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were." "Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them." The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. "Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring more...