Sit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Howard aged 92 lives in a seniors home. Everyday he uses to take a walk in the garden and whenever he is tired he used to sit on a bench and think of his past accomplishents. There came Mildred aged 82 who used to do the same thing like Howard and on that day happend to sit beside Howard on the same bench. They started a conversation which lasted for hours and finally Mildred asked Howard what he misses most in his life. Howard replied "SEX"
Mildred: "You old fart even if I a hold a gun at your
head you will never get the standup at this age"
Howard: "But Mildred it will be nice if a
woman can hold my manhood for some pleasure"
Mildred: "Suely I can oblige you" and then she unziped Howard and held his manhood gently for him to get the satisfaction he wanted. This became a habit and they both enjoyed doing it everyday as a routine.
One day to Mildred's surprise Howard was not there and she wandered about in the more...

Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river and smoke dope. A crocodile comes out of the river: - Hey pals, let me have a whiff. - Get lost, oh green one! - Come on guys, just one! - Go %@~# yourself! So what would you do? Well, the crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in his place. Winnie, inhaling, is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a crocodile. - W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling' ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has more...

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more–would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it? ” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man? ” and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me? ” Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber? ” The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it? ” And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like? The Maytag repairman? more...

Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils. Inhale your food.
Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"
Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch' em and proceed to make this meal yourself.
After finishing your more...

How can an elephant sit in the car in three steps?

Simple, open the door, sits in the car and close the door.

How does Frankenstein sit in his chair? Bolt upright.