Sit Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you
another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back more...
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources more...
Lawyer's mother: "My son is a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and instantly tell you whether it's verbal or written."
"For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex." -Gore Vidal
"A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good undertaker wants to finish the job and then have the patient sit up on the table." -Jean Kerr
"There was a young lawyer who showed up at a revival meeting and was asked to deliver a prayer. Unprepared, he gave a prayer from a lawyer's heart:' Stir up much strife amongst thy people, Lord, lest thy servant perish.'" -Senator Sam Ervin
"A judge is a law student who marks his own test papers." -H. L. Mencken
Despite his best efforts, the lawyer's client was convicted of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair. On the eve of his execution, the convict called his attorney for more...
Reportedly a true story:
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, South Africa; a middle-aged, visibly well-off white South African lady found herself sitting next to a well dressed black gentleman.
She called the cabin attendant over to complain about her seating.
'What seems to be the problem, Madam?' asked the attendant.
'Can't you see?' she loudly snapped,' You've sat me next to a Kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting man. Find me another seat!'
'Please try to be calm, Mam,' the stewardess replied.' I believe the economy section is completely full today, but I'll go and check to see if we have any upgraded seats available in club or first class.'
The woman cocked a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (as well as many of the other nearby passengers). Minutes later the stewardess returned.
'Mam, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, more...
Da night bepor Christmas
An all tru da house
Nating pas
Not eben a mouse.
Da children dey nossie
all snog on da ploor
An Mama puts newspepper
Tru da crack on da dor.
Den Mama in da stobe
Roost up da manuk
Steer up da adobo
An make bake da biko.
Den out on da rud
Dey got such a clatter
Soun like old manong
Pull down da ladder.
I run so past
To open da dor
I trip ober da dog
An pull down on da ploor!
As I look out da dor
In da light ob da moon
I thinking "apo, you cresy
I'm gitting old too soon."
Becus dere on da rud
Wer I turn my head
Dere's eight carabao
Pulling a sled
An a little driber
Wit a big ishtick
I know right away
must be St Nick.
Mob paster an paster
Da carabao dey come
He wistle an holler
An call dem by nim:
"Oy, Boogy!
Oy, more...
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked,' 'Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?''
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,' 'You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?''
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another'' trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked,' 'Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired.''
The English woman wrinkled her more...