Sit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly,' Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?' Her husband snarled,' What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?' and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely,' Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?' Once again, he growled,' What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?' The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said,' Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?' And again was met with a snarl,' What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?' Finally, she had had enough. The more...

10. Instead of saying, “Ho-Ho-Ho, ”
he exclaims “Oy vey! ”
9. He asks the mothers if
they want to sit on his lap.
8. His credentials include a Playgirl Centerfold. ”
7. You recognize him as a former NFL star
doing Community Service hours.
6. He avoids the the food court
unless his lawyer is present.
5. He refers to the wishing fountain
as his “tip jar. ”
4. He won’t talk to the kids
without a disclaimer.
3. He asks the kids to leave him
milk and ATM cards.
2. He becomes the new
cigarette lobby spokesman.
1. Before the kids sit on his lap
he orders the elves to frisk them.

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied more...

Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."
Sign in the optical lab: "Please do not look into laser with remaining eye."
A couple of more collectives: a mockery of acquittals. An exasperation of Jewish Mothers.
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not for illumination.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid; there are so many places they can hide."

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Says one psychiatrist to his colleague: "You are fine; how am I?"

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?. .. Poultry in motion.

Aibohphobia (def'n): An irrational fear of more...

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates are riding in a car (never mind why). The car crashes into a tree and all three are instantly killed. The three end up in heaven standing at the base of God's throne. God looks at Gore. "What do you believe?" he asks. Gore answers, "Well, I believe the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil, and that we need to save the world from CFC's, and that if any more freon is used, the whole Earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God says, "OK, Come sit at my left." God looks at Clinton. "What do you believe?" he asks. Clinton answers, "I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own decisions without anyone telling them what to do." God says, "OK, Come sit at my right." God looks at Gates. "What do you believe?" he asks. "I believe," says Gates, "You are in my chair."

Confucius say... Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!! Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom. Man who fly plane upside down have crackup. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town. Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk. A girl's best asset is her' lie'ability. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger. Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard. Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down. Man with atletic finger make broad jump. more...

Roger Was In A Full Bus When A Fat Lady Opposite Said To Him,"If You Were A Gentlemen You'd Get Up And Let Someone Else Sit
Down." Roger:"If You Were A Lady, You'd Stand Up And Let Four People Sit Down"