Sit Jokes / Recent Jokes
The nonchurchgoer's wife persuaded him to attend a service on a hot summer Sunday. He was ignorant of the various rituals involved and his spouse seemed to constantly be whispering, "Stand up," "Sit down," "Kneel," "Stand up," "Sit."
Perspiring from all the activity, he took out a handkerchief to mop his brow and then laid it on his lap to dry. Seeing this, his wife leaned over and whispered, "Is your fly open?"
"No," he replied testily. "Should it be?"
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, " You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"
" Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied.
" Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, " If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A more...
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run 1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good. 2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. 3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply more...
Yesterday at the gym, while I was stretching, I noticed a small group of men standing around another man who was lying on the floor doing sit ups. I walked over to see an old man finish the sit ups as one person counted out, “99, and 100! ” “Look at ME!! ” the old man bragged, pounding a very flat and firm stomach. “Fit as a fiddle! You know why? I’ll tell you why. It’s because I don’t smoke and I don’t drink! Never touch a drop of alcohol, EVER! I don’t stay up late and I don’t chase after women. You won’t see me in the company of those wicked, loose women. No siree. ” Then, as he pumped his muscles, he said, “Do you know what I am going to do tomorrow? I’m going to celebrate my 90th birthday! ” “Is that so? ” I asked. “How? ”
Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources more...