Smart Jokes / Recent Jokes
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."
Top 10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less
Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).
It's not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness by waving a tom collins under their nose, but as those of us who go hunting for frosh on "New Kids night" at the local dance holes know, the phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young, inexperienced, and sometimes even illegal to entice into your boudoir. If anyone can get drunk on five bucks, it's them.
Number 9. Be female.
Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies can't expect guys to risk their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you may still be able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing around the bar, sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress smutty. Smile at guys as they walk by, the drunker geekier the better. If you want to get more than one drink out of a guy start talking about how hot it is. Act intoxicated. Become even more friendly. At an appropriate time have a friend more...
Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
* Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.
* Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
* Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
* Carrie Snow
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
* Bette Davis
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
* Catherine Aird
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
* Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
* Jane Sellman
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
* Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally more...
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break more...
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went more...