Smile Jokes / Recent Jokes

Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said. "I`m sorry if I`ve been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
"I`m sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Well, as I`m leaving, could you just say `Goodbye, mother!?` It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile.
"Of course I can," the young man promised. As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile. Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!"
"Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.

See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy
about Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for
Christmas. Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time.
Funny, funny Mother.

See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all
done. See the children watch T. V. Watch children, watch. See the
children change their minds. See them ask Santa for different toys.
Look, look, Mother is not smiling. Funny, funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will
make robes. Mother will make shirts. Look. .. Mother put the
zipper in wrong. See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See
Mother cut the skirt too short. See Mother put the material away
until January. Look, look, see Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny,
funny Mother.

See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy
candied pineapple and powdered sugar. See more...

Q. Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much? A. Because she found out what the big boys eat.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says,' 'Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies,' 'I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says,' 'Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies' 'I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''

At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 a. m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. more...

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA -- they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," he said with a broad smile on his face, "After twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible... we could never do it... yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone.He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in the Congress."

I hate September. It was always back to school, so I had to be ready. It was back to homework, so I had to turn off the Yankees and study. It was my sister’s birthday and I had to be..um..nice. Yuk. But just in case that wasn’t bad enough, the Jewish holidays are here!

Oy friggin’ vey.

I hate these holidays. Like four days in synagogue. In case you were wondering, the services are partially in English and partially in Hebrew, but mostly suck. If you are comforted by being in a room of people with your religious background, love a good solemn pray, or can’t get enough of a cantor, who sounds as if he has infected sinuses, chanting in Hebrew for 4 HOURS (Some people go all day! I swear God leaves after an hour and a half), I guess you’ve come to the right place.

Personally, I find the Rabbi’s sermon fascinating. You see, no matter how much sleep I get the night before, when he starts that sermon, boom, I’m out cold. Fascinating. He’s like a more...