Social Jokes / Recent Jokes
Personal Hygiene
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always
clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or an international
banker.
It's recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and
under-arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in
these body regions attractive.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for more...
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. "I'm not changing a thing"
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it more...
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on the wage rate.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
Q: How many more...
A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home
and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
as she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should
have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for
disability, too."
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly
overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him
this test to discern the truth.
THE ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
1. Straighten it.
2. Ignore it.
3. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It
depends." in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS - Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
stimulating and thought-provoking conversation, more...
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
"I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...