Soda Jokes / Recent Jokes

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, bought a soda and stood by his car drinking it. As he relaxed, he watched two men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled the hole in. While one would dig a new hole, the other man would fill in the previous one. The men worked right past the fellow with the soda and continued on down the road.
Filled with curiousity, the fellow headed down the road toward the two men. "Could you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" he asked.
"We're county government workers," one replied.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. It doesn't look like you're accomplishing anything, except maybe wasting the taxpayers' money," the fellow said.
"Well, sir, usually there are three of us - myself, Rick and Mitch," one of the men explained. more...

The Non-Stress DietThis diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.Breakfast1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim MilkLunch4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo CookieMid-Afternoon SnackRest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped CreamDinnerLoaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars Rules For This Diet1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and more...

It's 2: 30 AM at the local bar and Joe is drunk as usual. The bartender tells Joe that he has to leave and Joe staggers out the door.
The next night Joe comes back in sober. The bartender says "what will you have tonight?" Joe says, "I'll just have a soda tonight." The bartender says, "Joe you been coming in here and drinking for a long time and you've never had just soda before, is something wrong?" Joe says, "Yeah I think I'm going to quit drinking because last night when I got home I blew chunks." The bartender says, "Listen Joe, anyone that's ever drank before has had to much to drink and vomited before, don't let it get you down. Joe says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Foods that have more...

The little girl walked into the drugstore and asked the clerk, "Do you fit men for trusses here?" Bewildered but obliging, he replied, "Whyj yes, we do."
"Well, wash your hands," said the little girl, "I want a chocolate soda."

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e. g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. e. g. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. more...