Solomon Jokes

Two women came before King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry my daughter!" said the other.
And so, they haggled before the king until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," he said, "and I shall cut the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman said, "Oh sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man shall marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said King Solomon, "that shows that she is indeed the true mother-in-law."

Preparing for a wedding
Benny Goldman had married off four of his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm, intelligence, manners, nor conversation to make up for his poor looks. Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single.
In desperation, Benny met with a Jewish matchmaker who listened and said, "I have just the girl for Solomon -- Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara."
"Who?"
"Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England, that’s who."
"A shikseh?"
The matchmaker sighed. "In these enlightened times, what`s wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family, with very little anti-Semitism - they fought Hitler, remember. They have excellent social connections, they`re wealthy and the princess is a real beauty. Look, I`ll write the names down together."
Solomon Goldman --- more...

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."

Vive la differance
Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour. "Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o`clock every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won`t clean; she made my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn`t have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make dinner because she can`t be bothered even with that!"
The neighbour sighs and asks, "Nu...and how is your daughter?"
"Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn`t have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!"

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."