Somehow Jokes / Recent Jokes

Christmas of 1997, a couple of my Dad's friends decided to cut down their own tree. Upon returning home, the husband was covered in pine pitch, so he started a shower while his wife began to decorate the tree. If only it remained that simple...

Mid-shower, the wife let forth with a huge scream bringing the husband bounding down the stairs wearing nothing but suds. She was pointing under the sofa, shrieking "A snake! A huge black snake crawled out of the tree and slithered under the sofa!"

The husband quickly began his manly-man duty, and got on hands and knees and crawled under the coffee table to get a better look under the sofa. Meanwhile, the wife sprinted outside to get some help, and released their Labrador Retriever from his pen. The dog ran inside the open back door and into the living room. Upon spying the husband in his awkward position, the dog did what any dog with an ice-cold nose would do when meeting someone. Feeling this glacial greeting, more...

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but
it makes it hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be
used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the
time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices,
it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people
take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a
lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're
dealing with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it
can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you
use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult
to think more...

Here's a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, "what was that?", you can now explain!
Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.
Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels more...

Here's a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, "what was that?", you can now explain! Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You more...

Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.

She was taken into a room and told to "make herself comfortable." While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says "hello, how can I help you?"
The woman asks; "Did you attend Roosevelt High School?"
"Yes I did", the doctor answered.
She asks: "Class of 49?" "Yes I was", was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: "You were in my class!"
The doctor responded: "What did you teach?"

There is a very ancient Chinese saying, "If the weight of the outside world is pressing in, solstice can always be found in happy golden morsels of light entertainment." No. Just kidding. I made that up. But wait, this is real: Jackie Chan's film FIRST STRIKE (Bad Jin Long) is whooping (and I do mean whoop-whooping) good fun. This film's got high speed snowboard chases, chases on stilts, and synchronized swimming with man eating sharks. What more could you ask for? Actually I could ask for subtitles. It would be very convenient, but on second thought, they'd probably be in Chinese. My limited mental capacity (something about bungee jumping from my uncle's shoulders at an impressionable age, back in the old days before they added the cord) prevents me from comprehending Chinese characters flashing on a 10 foot screen at lightning speeds. This happens regardless of whether the characters on the screen are debating philosophical theory or making tea, so it would probably be more...

Eggy Fart: Smells pretty much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Growling Fart: Happens deep within the rectum, therefore having no smell. Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vet.
Prelude to a Poopie: You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You quickly tense your buttocks, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Beefy One: Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!' Will smell a little like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog-turd.
Squeeky Fart: Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Trouser Ripping Special: Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This one genuinely hurts and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Those sitting nearby at the time will experience hearing more...