Someone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his more...

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!"
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
"Accidentally" spill your soda on the dork next to you.
Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't."
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! more...

> >ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
> >
> > Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always
> > in a good mood and always had something positive to say.
> > When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,
> > "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
> >
> > He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who
> > had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason
> > the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a
> > natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was
> > there telling the employee how to look on the positive side
> > of the situation.
> >
> > Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
> > Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all
> >of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
> >
> > "Each more...

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just more...

1. When people point at their wrist when asking for the time. I know where my fucking watch is, where yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the fucking bathroom is? No!
2. When you go to a movie and someone says"
Did you see that"
? No I paid five dollars to come to the theater and stare at the fucking floor.
3. When I am waiting for a bus and someone asks me if the bus came yet. My reply is "
Yeah, but ya know, I just decided to wait around for the next one you freakin knobhead."
4. When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would I keep looking if I already found it?
5. When people say life is short. What the fuck? Life is the longest fucking thing anyone ever does.
6. When people spend more time and energy looking for the damn TV remote rather than just getting up off their lazy asses and changing the channel manually. Why do people do this?

1. When people point at their wrist when asking for the time. I know where my fucking watch is, where yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the fucking bathroom is? No!
2. When you go to a movie and someone saysdid you see that? No I paid five dollars to come to the theater and stare at the fucking floor.
3. When I am waiting for a bus and someone asks me if the bus came yet. My reply is Yeah, but ya know, I just decided to wait around for the next one you freakin knobhead.
4. When people say it's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would I keep looking if I already found it?
5. When people say life is short. What the fuck? Life is the longest fucking thing anyone ever does.
6. When people spend more time and energy looking for the damn TV remote rather than just getting up off their lazy asses and changing the channel manually. Why do people do this?
Written by Brian Carter

You Know You're From a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
The city limits signs are both on the same post!
The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
Second Street is in the next town more...