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The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
15. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
9. Cut off 50 foreskins off more...

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don`t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it`s aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it`s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. more...

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going...
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're more...

Determination
Talking the boss out of firing you. (Ken Pinkham)
Anthrax
The thorax of a certain colonial insect (Gary Hallock)
Contract
Follow the prisoner (Phil Hudson)
Advice
Pick up a new bad habit (Jay Christie)
Tangent
man who has been in the sun. (Lexicon)
Catacomb
An implement for grooming felines. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Disbelief
How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is. (Jay Christie)
Political
Scratching your parrot under his wing to make him laugh uncontrolably. (Stan Kegel)
Jaywalking
Exercise that brings on that run–down feeling (Robert Meyers)
Taxi driver
someone who earns a living by driving customers away. (Lexicon)
Catatonic
Your feline's favorite drink (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Console
Fileted fish served in prison. (Keith Martin)
Forfeit
What most animals stand on (Jay Christie)
Digress
Tinted artificial turf. (J. A. more...

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs,
however, will require some work.There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings.Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you more...

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of' Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is more...

Always walk with a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren't bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable more...