Speak Jokes / Recent Jokes

Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?

We know martial arts, and if we don't it still looks like we do. If you do a couple of kicks that aren't too pathetic, people will think you are a master. Good deterrent. We speak two languages. We can speak to you AND your parents. In other words, we can pucker up for you and your parents. Note: You must be the same Asian race for this to apply. We can use chopsticks. In Asian restaurants we can split kimchee for you with chopsticks. Try that with a fork and spoon. We can also play table drums for you with chopsticks. How romantic... We like the same music you do, all that new-wave/techno mixed and synthesized stuff. We are all gonna be rich doctors, engineers, and lawyers. That means only one thing for you, "Shopping, Shopping, and more Shopping." Wheee. We can be your geek on the street (We can help you with all your studying b/c we are naturally geniuses). Or we can be your stud in the pub (We can drink a lot and have that squinty eyed, drooping cig, drink in one hand, more...

This professor of psychology at Harvard built a truth-telling chair. Every time someone sitting it lied, the bottom of the chair - essentially a trapdoor mechanism - collapsed sending the seated person flying to the ground. He knew it worked - he'd tried it. But he had to do some research before any one would believe him.
So he advertised in the USA Today for volunteers to come along and they'd get a fiver for their troubles, every hour. He received loads of replies and as such was able to take from any selection he liked. As a control for the experiment he decided to pick basketball fans, and invited three along for the first day of trials.
Anyway, the first day came and a Denver Nuggets fan arrived, he sat in the chair and began to speak. "I think the Nuggets are definitely a force to be reckoned with in the West..." and instantly the chair collapsed, sending him sprawling to the floor before he could carry on.
Next, an Orlando Magic fan arrived, he sat in more...

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied."Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."The group became silent.

A guy phones a law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer. ”
The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week. ”
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer. ”
Once again the receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week. ”
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, “I want to speak to my lawyer. ”
“Excuse me sir, ” the receptionist says, “but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? ”
The guy replies, “Because I love hearing it! ”

Why didnt the dog speak to his foot? Because its not polite to talk back to your paw!

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"