Speak Jokes / Recent Jokes
Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year.However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2
years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, more...
Top 75 Reasons Why Women Should Not Have Freedom Of Speech
1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.
11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I don't want to be made to lie and more...
11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, more...
Earliest Remembrances
What's his name?
How old is he?
Isn't he the cutest thing?
Did my lil' man lose his blankee?
Early
How's School?
And just who do you think you are?
Can't you act your age?
And just what were you doing to the dog with that eggbeater?
Pre-Teen
What do you mean you don't understand History/English?
You call that cleaning your room?
Who told you you could play baseball/basketball?
How in the world could you lose your homework?
Adolescence
Why are you failing History/English/French?
May I see your license and registration please?
Is any girl worth moping around about? A boy your age!
How in the world could you lose your wallet/sneakers/hat?
Post Adolescence
Exactly how long had you planned to stay in college?
Why in the world would you want to join the Navy?
Why can't you settle down with a nice girl?
When will you learn you can't go around saying what you think?
Early more...
Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom’s tuxedo.
After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom’s. Explain to the tux shop what you’re up to. Pick up the groom’s fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.
The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don’t reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote “Help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “Me” on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of more...