Speak Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as' Pastor,' or' Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the' head hog at the trough!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10, 000 to the building fund....."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, the big fat pig just walked in."
Mr Goldberg, from Pinsk, coming to America, shared a table in the ship's dining room with a Frenchman. Mr Goldberg could speak neither French nor English; the Frenchman could speak neither Russian nor Yiddish.
The first day out, the Frenchman approached the table, bowed and said, "Bon appétit!"
Goldberg, puzzled for a moment, bowed back and replied "Goldberg."
Every day, at every meal, the same routine occured.
On the fifth day, another passenger took Goldberg aside. "Listen, the Frenchman isn't telling you his name. He's saying' Good Appetite,' that's what' Bon appétit!' means."
At the next meal, Mr Goldberg, beaming, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!".
And the Frenchman, beaming, replied: "Goldberg!"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Here`s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
ONE POINT
Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they`re not looking, pour most of someone`s fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say `good morning` to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can`t talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don`t want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in more...
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy more...
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina."What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Screw you, Asshole. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina." What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said' Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"